his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just pee around me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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