Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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