She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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