I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
