you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
