Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
