If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
