Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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