I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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