I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
