i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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