Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
