You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
