I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
did i just pee glitter
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
