i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
two words...techno handjob
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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