She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
