How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
