ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
