Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Someone came in the potted fern
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
