My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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