high people should be assigned attendants
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
