Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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