my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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