I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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