My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
