My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
