She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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