i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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