he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
