And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
