my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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