hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
