paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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