my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
