and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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