i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
