Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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