i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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