Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
