i think my mom watched the whole time
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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