Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
