Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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