My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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