Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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