Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
