It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
