at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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