Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
