ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
