you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
