all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
